How to Write the Perfect Book Review (without getting electrocuted)

Book reviews, as many of you already know, are really important to authors. I've had many people tell me that they'd like to leave a review but they:

Don't have the time.

Can't think of what to write.

Have selective amnesia and can no longer find my books on Amazon or Goodreads.

Started to read one of my books and then burst into spontaneous combustion and I'm now being sued for damages rendered to their person.

Struck by lighting while reading my book outside in a thunderstorm, standing in a puddle holding a sword in one hand while attempting to reenact a sword fight from one of my books. (Please do not do this. I'm tired of being sued for the unpredictable actions of my readers.)

In order to clear up this misconception many people have about how hard it is to write a review, I've decided to write one for you. Feel free to copy and paste this into a review for any of my books:

Miss Stocum is the best writer EVER! I've never in my whole life read anything like her book. She should win the Noble Peace Prize for her work. I'll never be the same again. My life has been radically altered. My eyes are open and I know that I've seen true genius at work. Read this book!!!! Really. Read it all night long and in one sitting and don't get any sleep and walk around like a zombie for the rest of the day and watch you don't accidentally step out in traffic or in front of a train and don't walk off a bridge, or stick your finger in an electrical outlet, or spontaneously combust, or wave your sword around in a thunderstorm. (Trust me, that last one is from personal experience.)

See? Wasn't that easy? Now just use this review everywhere. Amazon, Goodreads, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram.

And please, for God’s sake, don't get electrocuted. I can't afford your medical bills. At least not without a lot of reviews so I can sell enough books to pay for your reconstructive surgery.

Thank you for your consideration.

My Books.

27 thoughts on “How to Write the Perfect Book Review (without getting electrocuted)

      1. Hmmm… I wonder what happens when the female ducks think they are looking for mates? That could stop a battle pretty quickly.


      2. Good point. That would save those poor expendable males so they can see their mommies again.


      3. Unless they’re just fed to a dragon because quotas have to be met. (By the way, did you get my message about a guest post topic? I’m trying to get them written before I lose my laptop for a week or two starting this afternoon.)

        Liked by 1 person

      4. No. I must have missed your post. You need a theme, right? How about rubber socks and the expendable male as it relates to fiction? You can do that and not have it take too much time. (And I’m not joking. Your funny, and creative.)


  1. A million years ago Elle magazine had a lottery to find book reviewers (when they had a literary section). I had just finished Catcher In The Rye for the first time. Someone left the book in an apartment I rented – I took it as a sign. Nevertheless I wrote my review, sent it in and didn’t think about it again. Then on a beautiful summer day I received an email from Elle stating I was chosen to review books and manuscripts for one year. It was the best job I ever had and it led me to rekindle my love of publishing. I started my own magazine 2 years later. A good book review can lead to more than you can ever imagine 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That’s amazing. What a great opportunity that was for you. Thanks for visiting my blog! And I wish you all the best with your magazine. That’s really exciting.


  2. I find my book reviews are always lackluster lol, even if I really enjoyed the book. I prefer rating systems where I can just leave a “star” review.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’ve heard this from people. Really, it’s ok too. When you leave a positive review of any kind, you’re helping authors you like to thrive. Fancy words are unnecessary.


  3. I find that if I write notes whislt I am reading, it serves as a reminder when the time has come to review said book, as sometimes it is a little while after finished reading and sometimes the feels have gone for that book, because you are knee deep into another!
    I love books for what they bring to me personally and i write about them because it makes me happy and happiness in this world is a rare commodity!

    Liked by 1 person

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