I have a confession. I hate writing books. But it’s not the act of writing that I hate, it’s all the stuff attached to it. Marketing sucks. I waste most of my time and creative energy trying to convince people who are already inundated with heaps of advertisements everyday that they want to read my books.
And most of them don’t.
They don’t give a damn. Nope. Not one damn. And that’s the easy part, the part that I’ve already processed and accepted. I might not like it, but I accept it as fact.
Here’s the hard part. It goes like this:
Okay, so I wrote this book. I wrote several books. Some of them have survived the wolf den and some haven’t. Some of them paid off my car or helped me with my mortgage. Some of them couldn’t buy me a coffee at Starbucks. So what does this all mean for me, and for my future? How much longer can I pour so much energy into something so unforgiving. Something that really doesn’t make any logical sense.
Energy in should at least equal energy out. Right?
Not with this. It’s more like heaps of energy put in until you’ve nothing left to give, and then it asks you to give some more, and then maybe, if you are a very good boy or girl, you might get a little in return.
A little. Not too much, because after all, it doesn’t really give a damn about you.
All right, so here’s the point where I tell you it’s all okay. Ready? All together now!
It’s all okay.
And it is. I’ll always write, because it’s a part of who I am. Will I always publish what I’ve written? I highly doubt it. I see publishing as a phase in my life. One day it will end and I’ll find another way to express myself. If I’m a really good little girl, I might even leave this world knowing I helped a few people or made some tiny indent on the face of planet earth.
I don’t mean to be a downer here, but the old saying, ashes to ashes and dust to dust, comes to mind.
But it’s still okay, because no matter what, I’ll know that I tried. I tried to be of some use to the world. I tried to at least be somewhat entertaining. I tried.
The road to Hell was paved with good intentions. Yeah, I know about that saying too. But let’s face it, sometimes good intentions are all you have.